Northwestern University researchers have found that simply believing that your romantic partner is capable of changing — or even acknowledging his or her efforts to do so — can make you feel more happy and secure in your relationship.
“Many of us tend to underappreciate our partner’s efforts to improve the relationship, simply because we do not have enough faith in those attempts,” said lead author Chin Ming Hui. “When we see those efforts in a positive light, we can enjoy our relationship much more.”
The researchers separated couples and asked them to rate how much their partner was trying to improve certain characteristics, such as patience, understanding and being a good listener. Three months later, they were asked to rate how their partner was doing regarding these matters as well as their overall feelings about the relationship. The results revealed that the more a person thought his or her partner was incapable of changing, the more likely it would be for that partner’s sincere efforts to improve the relationship to fail.
“If you don’t believe that your partner is capable of changing his or her fundamental characteristics, even when he or she is working hard to try to improve your relationship, you can actually end up discounting these efforts,” said senior author Daniel C. Molden. “A secret to building a happy relationship is to embrace the idea that your partner can change, to give him or her credit for making these types of efforts and to resist blaming him or her for not trying hard enough all of the time.”
Source: Northwestern University
Heather Rudow is a staff writer for Counseling Today. Email her at hrudow@counseling.org.