To be who you are, you don’t have to wait a lifetime.
I knew at age 5 that I was attracted to the same gender. This realization occurred during a time when, in my mind, it was not OK to be gay. I just couldn’t see it. It wouldn’t get better.
I grew up in the Midwest during the AIDS generation. People were dying, and the media portrayed the so-called “plague” as horrific. This definitely impacted me, including how I thought of myself and who I was. The advent of AIDS changed the lives of millions. Sexuality, for many, was no longer the same.
It was also during this time that I witnessed my uncle die of AIDS, shortly after the death of my great-grandfather. My uncle was gay, and he was just beginning life with his partner. He had moved to Portland to work as a musician and a nurse, but shortly thereafter he died. His life had been cut short by a condition that could not be cured.
How challenging it was for me as a teenager to see this while also questioning my own sexuality. Unfortunately, I never got to talk to my uncle about his life, but I wish that I had. Instead, I just asked myself, “Why would I live a life like his if I could die?” Being gay wasn’t an option that I wanted, so I did not accept myself for many years. I became one of those men who married a woman and started a family, thinking that my same-sex attractions would go away.
Well, it didn’t. I had just done what I thought I was supposed to do. I didn’t tell anyone in my family that I was gay until my early 30s.
Remaining in the closet comes at a cost. It depleted me of energy and compromised my health, which is not uncommon for those who come out later in life. I was unable to live a life congruent with my values, and others were hurt. This upset me.
While in my Ph.D. program, I decided to take active steps toward authenticity, whatever the cost. I asked myself how I could be a role model in counselor education if I wasn’t true to myself. How could I be vital and thrive in the world if I was inauthentic? How could I look my daughter in the eye in good faith?
I knew the answers, and they were all the same. I could not bear to continue to live an inauthentic life. I told my family members and close loved ones about what I was going through. It wasn’t easy, but I began to meet others like me and build a support system. Ultimately, I disclosed at work, which is a key milestone. Those who stood by me during this time are now some of my closet friends and colleagues.
I am grateful that I have been able to come out and live an authentic life. My education played a part in this. I am fortunate to teach and inspire others. Over the past two years, I completed my dissertation, taught, and worked on research and community events that I felt were important. As a former school counselor, it has also been exciting for me to see how the field of school counseling has become more inclusive of LGBTQ+ people, or those perceived to be (note: LGBTQ+ is an umbrella term that aims to capture all sexual and gender minority groups).
I thank everyone who has challenged me to be myself. Without this support, I may not have fully come out. I also know that if I had had more visible role models (like I am trying to be now) when I was younger, I would have accepted myself sooner.
Final thoughts
For those who haven’t yet come out, for whatever reason(s), don’t lose hope. There is time to work toward authenticity. It just takes longer for some. The experience has been hard for me, but it has gotten better.
If you wish to come out but you don’t think you can do it on your own, seek support. Some people might find this difficult, but I have always said that nothing of value is easy. This might be the time for you. If, however, you just want to learn more about LGBTQ+ communities, I recommend that you reach out to these communities and ask questions to make new friends or professional contacts.
In addition, I encourage counselors and counselors-in-training who have limited experience in working with LGBTQ+ communities to attend workshops and to reflect on their own sexual identity development. LGBTQ+ communities are very diverse, so there are many people to learn about, to learn from, to draw strength from and to stand tall with. If you see me, say hi!
Select resources
- The AIDS Generation: Stories of Survival and Resilience by Perry N. Halkitis (2014)
- Transgender Explained for Those Who Are Not by Joanne Herman (2009)
- The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die by John B. Izzo (2008)
- “Coming out in mid-adulthood: Building a new identity” by Lon B. Johnston and David Jenkins, in the Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services, Volume 16, Issue 2, 2004
- Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends and Coworkers by Michelangelo Signorile
- Wood, A. M., Linley, P. A., Maltby, J., Baliousis, M., & Joseph, S. (2008). “The authentic personality: A theoretical and empirical conceptualization and the development of the Authenticity Scale” by Alex M. Wood, P. Alex Linley, John Maltby, Michael Baliousis and Stephen Joseph, in the Journal of Counseling Psychology, Volume 55, No. 3, 2008
****
Jack D. Simons is a core faculty member in the counseling program at Mercy College in Dobbs Ferry, New York. Contact him at jsimons1@mercy.edu.
****
Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.